I can't get to sleep I think about the implications Of diving in too deep And possibly the complications
Especially at night I worry over situations I know I'll be alright Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear Ghosts appear and fade away
Alone between the sheets Only brings exasperation It's time to walk the streets Smell the desperation
At least there's pretty lights And though there's little variation It nullifies the night from overkill
Day after day it reappears Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear Ghosts appear and fade away Come back another day
I can't get to sleep I think about the implications Of diving in too deep And possibly the complications
Especially at night I worry over situations I know I'll be alright It's just overkill
Day after day it reappears Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear Ghosts appear and fade away Ghosts appear and fade away Ghosts appear and fade away
“If I want different, I have to be prepared to do different"
Lia lives by this mantra and I am starting to believe it is one that I need to follow. Why?
Because I’m doing the same things now, that I was always doing. And using the same excuses for doing them. And I am so damn sick of it. Excuse after excuse and I write here about changing them and doing things the right way. But still I do the wrong thing.
I binge, when I’m alone. I eat and eat until I feel so sick that I can’t move. Then I feel like utter crap for doing so and beat myself up for days. I don’t confess to Michael that I do. But I am sure he knows. I feel so bad. The minute I stop eating I am filled with this shame and revulsion. An absolute horror that I have done the very thing I know I shouldn’t and that I really don’t want to. When did I become so weak? When did I become so cowardly? When did I just let myself go and fall in a heap? When did I become so sneaky that I hid chocolate and other shit food around the house? And when did I become so desperate for it that I get up in the middle of the night and shovel it down my throat?
I hate it. I hate me. I hate my pathetic weakness and I hate that I can’t seem to get control over it. And I hate that I can’t sit down and just confess this to Michael. Why? Because I don’t want to appear anymore weak and pathetic that I already know I am. He expects so much of me. By saying that I mean he knows that I have it in me to do it, he just doesn’t understand why I can’t and either do I. I don’t even LIKE the crap I am eating. Yet I still do it.
It’s been suggested to me that the issues from my past have something to do with my eating problems and I know it is right. And until I get my eating and my binging under control then my weight issues are going to remain and it will keep see sawing up and down and it will never be stable.
I have emailed Liz Nelson about my eating and she has emailed me back. With money so tight at the moment any plans I had of working with her to get my eating on track has gone right out the window. I’m disappointed. Much more disappointed than I care to admit. I didn’t mention it to Michael. I don’t know if he would understand it. But it doesn’t matter now as I just can’t afford to make it happen.
So I wonder where I will go with all of this now. I just can’t make this eating work for me. I have tried to concentrate on getting through one meal at a time. But it doesn’t seem to make much difference. I still stuff it up. I have tried the boiled chicken and green veg diet. I have tried the limited calorie stuff and I know that it works but still I hide and I binge. If I can’t get some help to get this under control, I wonder what will happen. Where it will end? How I will ever learn to get it under control?
I am so tired of it. I am tired of working my ass of in the gym and then blowing it all with the binge eating. My training is great. My eating is shit. And my self esteem is shit. It’s in the toilet and nonexistent. I don’t think I deserve my husband, the good life I have, the friends I have.
I don’t think I deserve anything.
At all.
Until I get it under control.
Only problem is I don’t know where to begin or who to turn to.
Lucky me.
Not.
Posted by Lisa Jane ::
8:21 PM ::
8 Comments:
My new jammies (for Lia) due to the comment she made on the forum last night.
My new Guess watch my beautiful husband bought me today, to go with my white gold earrings (that I also got today) and my wedding and engagement rings I got for Christmas.
Last night, for the strangest, most unknown reason, I asked Michael if He had another girlfriend. Why in fuck I did it, I have no idea. All I know is, I did. I know how inane it sounded from the moment it was out of my mouth, but I asked it nonetheless.
I know full well He doesn’t have another girlfriend. He has His hands full with me and I know that He loves me totally. I must be mentally insane to even have the question pop in my head. The man does everything He could possibly do to see a smile on my face. He takes me where I want to go and gives me what it is I want and need. Sometimes it’s something small, other days it is something huge (like my rings, my new earrings and my new watch).
He works His ass into the ground. Not one job but two. And He does it without complaint. Yet, I come up with a dumb ass question.
Anyhoo.
Other than that, I have nothing else to say. I am tired and my mood is low. I feel like I am about to burst into tears at any moment.
It is 9.05pm on a Saturday night and I am already in my pyjama’s and in bed with a DVD.
Such a party animal am I.
I love my husband. More than life itself.
Posted by Lisa Jane ::
7:13 PM ::
0 Comments:
I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight. Well, I don’t know about an epiphany but I did a come to a realisation about some things and I am just about ready to close a chapter in my life that has long been causing me pain.
I had a best friend many years ago. His name was Warren and today, is the anniversary of his death. He took his life due to the fact that things weren’t the best with his family and his relationship. He and I had many talks over the years before his death and he constantly told me that I should just give up on the fact that my parents would change. Because they wouldn’t and he was right, they haven’t and they won’t and today I have finally come to the realisation that it really doesn’t matter.
I’ve been carrying around so much shame and guilt. Guilt! Over the torment he put me through. I thought, for the longest time, that it was MY fault. I kept thinking that maybe if I was better, maybe if I tried harder. All of that stuff. And I have finally accepted that it wasn’t.
It never was and it never will be.
It was HIS fault.
Wasn’t he supposed to love me? To protect me? To keep me safe? All of the above and more. And he failed at all of it. All he succeeded in doing was making me feel cheap and worthless.
I have decided that my father is dead to me. This is the way it has to be and the only chance I have at getting on with a guilt free life. I am so over carrying this shit around with me and after reading some of Lia’s posts over the last few months I’ve come to the realisation that if I want something to be a certain way then I have to make it so.
I found the song below a long time ago and it has always been one of my favourites. I thought of the lovely Lia when I heard it tonight and decided to put it on here for her to hear.
I always wanted it to remind me of my father, but it doesn’t.
Not now.
Not ever.
But if it brings some joy to someone else, then I’m happy.
I am off to bed early tonight because of the big training session with Sgt Evil tomorrow.
Before I start this post, I have to apologise to the lovely Lia, she is so going to punish me for my potty mouth. But I just had to use this graphic.
I am still getting visits from the person who shall be known as the pain in the ass (and she knows who she is). It amazes me, that everytime she wants to come and spy on my life, she goes running off to google and searches for my blog. I thought I should do my civic duty and tell her that it will probably save her a lot of time if she just bookmarks it. Duh!
Personally, I wish she would just fuck off. But if coming here and reading my blog is what gets her through the night. Then let her knock herself out. Personally, all of us in this house find it rather amusing and we are actually running a competition to see who can guess the number of visits I get from her a day.
I'm winning...
Anyhow, onward and upward and all that shit.
Today was a good day for me. I got up early, was feeling awake and not wanting to go to bed. I missed breakfast cos the cupboards were bare. But I made up for it a little later. Had a nice lunch and trained my legs until they were obliterated tonight. And now I am relaxing after a nice healthy dinner of egg whites and chicken breast.
I have to thank you all for the wonderful comments you left on my blog and on the forum. They moved me to tears and I am starting to see that I am not as horrible as I like to believe. So thank you, thank you, thank you.
I achieved a few things today that have been troubling me for the longest time. I got through a whole day without cheating on my eating. Everything was good and on plan. No chocolate, no nothing. Just clean and healthy all the way. I've made it through 2 litres of water and am starting on my 3rd litre.
It's not really a big thing to most people, but to me it's a huge thing. It just goes to show me that I can do it, I just have to want to and after my big post over the weekend, I've realised that I do want it. And I want it for nobody else but me.
And I will achieve it.
I can't wait for Friday and Saturday. On Friday, I am going over to train with Lia and then with Lia and Katie on Saturday. The support that Lia has given me is amazing and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Now I feel like I have another person I can't let down. If Michael knows I am capable of it and Lia knows I can do it, then there shouldn't be anything stopping me.
And their isn't.
Onwards and upwards from here and nobody is going to get in my way.
Okay, so it’s time for some real honesty now. Thanks to Lia and the hard hitting questions she asks. I have to confess, that I haven’t been honest with myself, which in turn means I can’t really be honest with everyone else.
I’ve taken the easy way out on this blog and I’ve taken the easy way out on the forum too. Part of the reason for this is there is someone who keeps coming to this blog and reading what I post and I think, they have also followed me to the forum and they are trying to collect information. Most of you already know about the person I am referring to and even now, that I have blocked the IP, I am still a little worried about what I say due to the fact that it could be used against me. The other part of the reason I haven’t posted the real truth here is because I don’t like myself. I don’t. I have issues that stem much deeper than just me not liking myself. Like I posted a few days ago, I was a victim of abuse at the hands of my father and my uncle. I have very few recollections of my childhood. There are fragmented memories that I can recall, the other memories that have returned to me were bought out when I was under hypnotherapy with my psychiatrist.
My mother, says she hates me and would rather that I was dead. My father, despite having a criminal record for sexual assault, tells everyone HE is innocent and never did anything to me. For a lot of years, I have blamed myself for everything that has gone bad in the life of everyone in my family.
I have lived in darkness and hid from the light. Very poetic that phrase eh? And I am not trying to be poetic. I have been scared to post about my bipolar disorder, in fear that it would used against me. I have been scared to reveal my true self in case people wouldn’t like me. I’m fat. I’m overweight and I hate it. And if I hate it, I have always wondered why anyone else would possibly like me. And I always doubted that anyone would ever love me.
My husband is the most beautiful man in the world. Inside and out and he loves me. I don’t know why. He could have any woman he wanted yet he wants me. And I keep asking myself why.
Michael tells me that why he loves me doesn’t matter and he is right. The reasons don’t matter. All that matters is he does. I need to learn to accept that. And I hope that one day I will.
I don’t have many female friends. I have facebook friends and forum friends. But in the real world, there are no female friends in my world. As much as I am out there, I am very shy when it comes to making friends. Take for instance the friends I have on the forum and fb. I often wonder why these amazingly fit and healthy women would want to be friends with me.
I’m just a fat chick, who eats shit food more than she should and trains hard at the gym in hope of being thin again and one day standing on stage. You know, here and on the forum is the only place that I admit that. I don’t think my husband has any idea of how much it means to me to get out there on the stage.
He looks so good for his age. He worked hard to get there and he works hard to stay there. So why don’t I tell him? Because I’m embarrassed to tell him. I’m this fat chick who has such a long way to go and I don’t want it to seem like I am putting the horse before the cart. But I just feel like I need a goal to work towards. And getting on stage is the goal.
While we are on the topic of being honest, there are boxes in our house that I haven’t unpacked yet. I have been home for four months. Yet there are boxes that are still full of stuff that I need and there are photo frames that I am yet to put up on the wall. Why? Because I feel as though if I put them up then I will only have to take them down.
If I leave them packed, then when the axe falls on my relationship, then I won’t need to pack them again will I? When I go back and read that statement it screams to me that I don’t have faith in my husband. But I do. I guess I am just so used to the bad stuff happening that it is easier to believe it.
Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the way I think is due to the bipolar disorder. And I know that some of it is. I also know that a lot of it is due to the kind of childhood I had and the treatment I have received at the hands of my mother and father.
I take medication for my bipolar and I don’t often tell people, because again I think wow would people want to be friends with the crazy bipolar lady. I take a lot of pain killers from my knee injury and for the injuries I sustained in the most recent car accident. Again, I often wonder why would people want to be friends with the pain killer lady.
As I said before I hate myself. I think it’s myself I hate. Or maybe it’s the image I have of myself. I don’t fit in with the mothers club at the local school because I don’t like gossip and I am not the ladies who lunch type. I prefer to surround myself with people who love to train and who will constantly challenge me and never let me rest on my oversized ass.
I hate the fact that I am fat. That I’ve always struggled with my weight and I have been judged on being the fat chick by people in my past. I don't want to be fat anymore.
And now I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself.
I don’t want to remain the fat chick. I want to lose my weight and get back to a healthy size. I am afraid to ask my husband for more help. Because he gets so frustrated when I go along really well and then I stuff it all up by binge eating and he doesn’t understand why. He thinks that it’s just a case of not being strong enough and He thinks everyone has the willpower he has. Please, don’t think I am complaining about him because I’m not. He is the only person in my life who has been around through all the horrible times and loved me regardless.
Makes me wonder how much of this I am bringing on myself. If I can’t ask him for help, who can I ask. I thought about doing things the sneaky way and getting some outside help. But I wonder where to start and I wonder who in god’s name I would ask. I went to a gym in Dandenong the other week for a meeting with someone and I felt so uncomfortable in there because I was the only fat chick in the place. That is what stops me a lot of the time, wondering if people are laughing at my efforts (and I know it shouldn’t matter but to me it does). I have to stop wanting to gain everybody’s approval. But it’s something I have done all my life. And I don’t know how to stop it.
Ugh. Now I sound like I am complaining.
Maybe I am but this is the most honest I have ever been. With myself and everybody else.
And I can assure you that right after I have posted this, I will be sitting here wondering if the people who read it will think I am nutty and I will be wondering will they still want to be my friend.
The question is why does all of this matter.
The answer is something I haven’t found yet.
But, all this being said, is taking a step towards honesty. Because it’s the most honest I have been in a long time.
And I feel better for it in a way.
But I can’t explain how. xox
Posted by Lisa Jane ::
4:32 PM ::
8 Comments:
LMAO. Just call me Miss Popularity. Cos that is indeed what I am. At least to one person out there. Now that this person has been blocked by my IP deny manager (thankyou to my web hosts/gurus for that) I can say whatever the hell I like.
You know, *I* honestly believe it would take an idiotic person to go against what was stated in a court order. But still, there are mental defects out there who seem to think that checking my blog 4,000 times a day (okay, maybe 4,000 times is an exageration, more like 3,999 times) JUST to read my words of wisdom. Umm yeah right.
I don't buy into that shit to easily and the fact that they are still trying to get me too slip up just makes my mind boggle. You would think that some people need to get a life wouldn't you?
See for yourself all the attention I attract from a person who claims they don't care what I do.
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Anyhow, on a better note. I promised that I would update more regularly so lets do it. Today was a better day. In all aspects. I didn't train, for the simple reason that we are training Saturday and Sunday instead of having them off. I ate well, I drank water (and am still drinking it), peed lots and did some cardio.
Tomorrow I am off to train back on my own because hubba hubba hubby is busy. It's times like these that I wish I had a few close friends in the area that were also into training. Just for the days when I don't want to train alone. Not to mention a friend with the same fitness goals as me. I had to cull a lot of friends when I came home, because they don't understand why I want to train and why I even bother. That and they find it fun to try and get me off track with the lure of fried food and sugary shit. Do they not realise that it isn't amusing? Haven't they put the clues together and figured out that friends like them are friends I don't need?
Oh but to have a fitness minded friend over this way.
Maybe if I pray hard enough one might magically appear.
Anyhow I am off to bed because I am worn out.
See you all tomorrow.
Ohh btw, Friday? Please feel free to stalk me all you like. It makes me feel special.
This is the woman I want to look like. There is a picture of her enlarged and stuck on my fridge for motivation. So yeah, I didn't have to go searching for mine, I found them all in one person. Lucky me.
I think I'd be luckier if I could look like that now. How awesome would it be to wake up in the morning, fall out of bed and just - be transformed?
I'm thinking part of it would be good and part of it would be bad. I love my training at the gym. Even when it is dreaded shoulder day. I get there and I am dragging my feet, but by the time I am finished, I am soooo glad I went.
I wish, of course, that I hadn't of let my weight get as out of hand as it did. And there are a million and one things I could say were the reason I did. But it wouldn't really be the truth now, would it? And here in LJ land, I do try to deal only with the truth. As dark and horrible as it may be.
I gained all the weight due to a car accident. Then after I was able to get up and walk again, I just got lazy. It was easier to say, I don't feel like driving to the gym today, I feel like a burger from Macca's instead. Never mind the fact that I had to drive PAST the gym to reach Macca's. Yeah, right. I don't know how to reconcile that one in my mind, cos I just can't.
I did this to myself and I have to undo it now. I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself, or bite the bullet and do something about it. And I've chosen to do something about it. But again, I've been thwarting my own efforts. I have a husband who is a kick ass training partner, he is one of my greatest sources of inspiration AND he is my own personal dietician. Yet I keep stuffing it up.
Why?
Good question, but alas, something I don't have an answer to.
Why do I still eat chocolate and potato chips when I don't want to look this way anymore. I know I have to tighten this up. I have to drink more water and eat better food and stop snacking on bad stuff.
I have said it over and over again since the first of January 2009, that I am tightening it up and I have still not tightened it up totally. So this morning I did. It is now 12.10pm and I haven't eaten anything I shouldn't and I've got a large bottle of water next to me as well. I've had some diet jelly for a snack and I am about to munch on an apple. When hubba hubba hubby gets up, I am going to take HIM and myself off to the gym and smash back and then hit some cardio.
Note to self: YOU NEED TO DO CARDIO EVERYDAY OR YOU WONT GET RID OF YOUR BIG ASS.
How's THAT for some cold hard truth.
I'm the only one who can do this. I have a great support network around me. Some awesome family and friends who are all more than happy to give me the motiviation, but I am the only one that can do the work.
So here it is.
I AM BACK ON TRACK AS OF THIS MORNING AND I WILL NOT FIND EXCUSES TO PUT IT OFF. I AM GOING TO BE IN MY ED HARDY TOP AND MY NEW JEANS BY VALENTINES DAY.
And I give all of you out there who read me, full permission to kick me in my ass if I don't do it. All kicks in the ass are welcomed and much appreciated.
So yeah, ummm kick away. I think. LOL.
Have to confess I was as disappointed as HELL that I couldn't train with the lovely Lia this morning. The joys of having bi-polar mean that sometimes doctors appointments have to be scheduled whenever you can fit them in and everything else has to go via the wayside. At least until next week.
I know I promised that I would update here more often, but the unwanted visitor is still lurking. Again, I don't know what they hope to find, the only stuff talked about here is me and my fat butt. So whatever they are searching for, they will not find. Unless they have some kind of fatal attraction to my butt. And hey, if that is the case, then they should tell me and I will email them a pic. I'm kinda getting creeped out. Having a stalker isn't all that fun.
BUT. And I say BUT, I have found a way to stop the unwanted visitor and after I post this up on my blog, I will be off to thwart their efforts at wanting to live my life and sticking their nose in at everytime.
Can we say bye bye stalker? Indeed we can. See:
BYE BYE STALKER!
Woohooo, I feel all empowered and shit. I am woman hear me roar etc, etc.
Back later with more.
xoxo
Posted by Lisa Jane ::
9:58 AM ::
4 Comments:
I was listening to this song tonight, on the way home from the gym and it made me start to think about parents. Or the lack thereof in my case. It’s no secret that I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. In fact, it’s beyond the point of repair I think. I’ve thought about trying to repair it but after a conversation I had with my sister on Christmas day, I am starting to wonder if it is worth even trying or will I just walk away even more hurt than before or will I get the closure that I want.
I don’t know if I want to fix things because I want them in my life or if I am doing it for the kids. Sometimes I think it is just for the kids. But other times I think it is for me. I don’t think I want us to be a wonderful kind of Walton’s family. The thought of that is just beyond the realms of impossibility. I think, that I want them to see me in a different way to the way that they do. I want them to look at me and my family and see that I am not the same person I used to be. Is it that I want their approval? Perhaps. Do I want them to admit that they were wrong about me? Yes. Do I want them to tell me that they were wrong? Yes. Will it make a difference? I don’t think so. And that is what saddens me.
It is a whole mixed up mess that I believe is impossible to sort out. They believe that they are right. I know they are wrong. There is not one person in my family, myself included, that can say they did nothing wrong. Each and every one of us made mistakes. Each and every one of us did something wrong and each and every one said things that we shouldn’t of. The sad part is, not all of us are able to admit we that. I can admit it, my sister can admit it, my brother can admit it. But my parents, can’t and won’t admit it. In their eyes, they are right and *WE* are wrong. And to top it all off, in the middle of everything, right while I am writing this post, my father calls. He doesn’t want to talk to me, just the kids. But they call my phone. Can we say rude much?
These are MY children. Children I have raised ALONE after fighting my own parents to get them back. These are MY children. Children I have had to lie to so that they didn’t think my parents were bad people for not being in my life. And I am so damn sick of it. I’m sick to the back teeth of pretending that this bullshit kind of behaviour is okay. I am sick of pretending that we were a happy little family. Because we weren’t. And I am sick to fucking death of telling everyone that *I* was the reason my children had no grandparents.
Let’s put it out there shall we.
I was a victim of sexual abuse. At the hands of my FATHER. The one person in the world I should have been able to trust. But that I couldn’t. But according to my parents, I lied. If it wasn’t enough that my father put me through that kind of trauma, so did his evil fucking brother. And they knew about that. His brother, over the years, had molested his OWN children. So with that knowledge in mind, why did they leave me alone with him? It’s beyond me. So, if anyone knows WHY I should want to forgive these people, please let me know. Because I can’t get my head around it. Not at all. Especially not after the phone call I just received.
Why am I not mad at him for putting me through that shit? Why am I not mad at him for letting his brother do those things to me? Why does it matter to me what they think about me, when it hasn’t all those years before? It is because I am a grandmother now? Is it because I could never imagine turning my back on my own children? Is it because I am fucking insane?
It’s beyond me. Really beyond me.
And now, I am thinking that I don’t really care. That it doesn’t really matter.
Not now. Not after hearing the man who is supposed to be my father talk to me like I was a complete and utter stranger.
They don’t want me. They don’t need me.
And I don’t need them.
I don’t need their forgiveness.
I don’t need their approval.
I don’t need them to acknowledge all the steps I’ve taken to become the person I am now.
If I choose to accept it, is to turn my body from flab to fab, to keep it that way and to transform my life...to make my husband and my family proud of me....to be proud of myself and last but not least...to strut my stuff on the stage
About Me
Name::Lisa Jane From::Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
