Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Peace Perfect Peace




I haven't had a 'family' so to speak in almost seven years. I have a long and colourful history with my family. I was the oldest child and I thought I was the most hated, when my sister and brother came along. I know, that I was always the apple of dad's eye. I was always his favourite girl. Until I went off the deep end.

About ten years ago was when my bi-polar first reared it ugly head, I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that there was something weird about the way my moods swung. I went from happy to sad, from cheery to angry. Some days I hated the world and wouldn't leave the house. Other days I was paranoid there were people following me and let me assure you, there was NOBODY following me at all. I seriously just thought I had a problem with my temper.

One day, I remember my sister sitting with me in my bedroom in a house I had in Bacchus Marsh and she asked me if perhaps I needed to see someone about what was happening to me. I was horrified. Absolutely horrified that *I* would need to see somebody professional because excuse me, there was nothing wrong with me. Nuh uh, no Siree. It was everybody else that had a problem.

A couple of weeks later, being the single mother of the three girls got to me and I left them with my parents for the weekend and I never went back. For five years. Mind you, I told everyone that would listen that my parents took my children away, but truth be known, I dropped them off knowing full well that I wasn't going back to get them. I wanted to be a party girl and how on earth could I do that with children? I couldn't. So I left them. I can't be much more blunt than that.

Ask me now and I will tell you I am mortified at what I did and that if I had it to do over, I would have done it differently. I know I would have gone and gotten the help from a professional and asked my parents to help me. But at that stage, I was angry, bitter, twisted and full of my own self importance and more than anything I was full of drugs.

The day I decided I wanted my kids back was a big kick in the ass for me. I couldn't get them. They were on custody orders through DHS and they were court ordered and there was nothing I could do. So began the fight. I fought with everything in me to get them back and I used any means possible to do it. Although somethings I COULD have used, I didn't because they weren't the truth.

During the long drawn out fight, DHS told my father that *I* had told them that he molested us as children and that he did the same to my children. I was mortified. Because I adored my dad. Sadly, my father believed what he was told and decided he never wanted anything to do with me again. I couldn't blame him, especially thinking his daughter had said that about him. Not long after, my father had a heart attack. I wasn't told. I found out thru a friend, a year after the fact. I was too say the least - devastated. He still wouldn't speak to me, so there was nothing I could do.

I told my mother I thought she was a doormat and that I hoped she got hit by a bus. Something that now, I am deeply ashamed of. My mother was not a very affectionate mother. Not the touchy feely huggy type and that was what I needed. I needed a hug from my mum, just to know she loved me. I figured in my drug addled state that if she didn't hug me, she didn't love me. Go figure.

I eventually got my girls back, after I had cleaned up my act, been diagnosed with bi-polar and was stabalised on meds. I had a DHS worker who was supposed to help me with all things I needed. But she was three years younger than me, had just graduated university and had no children of her own. So I went it alone. My parents had disowned me, my sister and brother hated me and that was it - I was alone other than my children. So I showered them with the hugs and kisses and affection I wanted from my mother.

My mother is an amazing woman. She has been thru so much in her life but sadly she was shown no affection as a child and just didn't know how to show it us. It wasn't her fault. But its taken me a long time to realize that. And to understand that a lack of physical affection never meant she didn't love me. Because she did. She used to get home from work at midnight, get up at 6am to get my dad off to work, then clean the house, send us off to school and then go back to work till midnight. A doormat doesn't do that. She is a brave, amazing lady and I told her so. I told her that if I could be half the parent to my children that she was to us, then I would be happy.

Tonight, I spoke to my parents for the first time in all those years. I got the chance to tell my father the truth about what I did and didn't say and I made peace with him. It was like I had only spoken to him yesterday. The conversation flowed easily and I could hear the relief in his voice when I told him that I never, ever made those awful allegations about him. Then I spoke to my mother. And I told her that I didn't think she was a doormat and that I didn't want her to get hit by a bus. And then I apologised for all the hurt and pain I had put her and my dad thru.

Best of all I told her I loved her and that I needed her in my life.

So on the 9th of August, my whole family is going to get together and start the new chapter of our lives. Reunite our family and cherish my parents before its to late. I don't want the next time I see my parents to be at their funeral and tonight - I took the first step to make it happen. It's like there was a monkey on my back and now its gone. I feel free. I feel content and happy with the fact that I have another opportunity with my family and that my children will once again be able to have contact with their grandparents.

I feel whole again. And its a wonderful feeling.

There is a big thankyou that goes along with this post and that goes to our Rae of Sunshine and our wonderful Lia. Seeing what Rae went thru with her beautiful mummy and Lia with both of her parents spurred me into action. I followed both these ladies blogs and read the despair in their posts at losing their parents. And I realised that one day that could be me. And it scared me. So thankyou to both of you amazing ladies. You inspire me more than you know.

Tonight, I finally feel like I am on the right path and that my life is taking the path that I wanted it to.

A new relationship with my family, a wonderful man who DOES love me, gorgeous children and an adorable grand baby.

What more could I want?

Right now?

Life is good.
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 8:44 PM :: 3 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

---------------oOo---------------