Sunday, January 11, 2009

Some Honesty....



Okay, so it’s time for some real honesty now. Thanks to Lia and the hard hitting questions she asks. I have to confess, that I haven’t been honest with myself, which in turn means I can’t really be honest with everyone else.

I’ve taken the easy way out on this blog and I’ve taken the easy way out on the forum too. Part of the reason for this is there is someone who keeps coming to this blog and reading what I post and I think, they have also followed me to the forum and they are trying to collect information. Most of you already know about the person I am referring to and even now, that I have blocked the IP, I am still a little worried about what I say due to the fact that it could be used against me.
The other part of the reason I haven’t posted the real truth here is because I don’t like myself. I don’t. I have issues that stem much deeper than just me not liking myself. Like I posted a few days ago, I was a victim of abuse at the hands of my father and my uncle. I have very few recollections of my childhood. There are fragmented memories that I can recall, the other memories that have returned to me were bought out when I was under hypnotherapy with my psychiatrist.

My mother, says she hates me and would rather that I was dead. My father, despite having a criminal record for sexual assault, tells everyone HE is innocent and never did anything to me. For a lot of years, I have blamed myself for everything that has gone bad in the life of everyone in my family.

I have lived in darkness and hid from the light. Very poetic that phrase eh? And I am not trying to be poetic. I have been scared to post about my bipolar disorder, in fear that it would used against me. I have been scared to reveal my true self in case people wouldn’t like me. I’m fat. I’m overweight and I hate it. And if I hate it, I have always wondered why anyone else would possibly like me. And I always doubted that anyone would ever love me.

My husband is the most beautiful man in the world. Inside and out and he loves me. I don’t know why. He could have any woman he wanted yet he wants me. And I keep asking myself why.

Michael tells me that why he loves me doesn’t matter and he is right. The reasons don’t matter. All that matters is he does. I need to learn to accept that. And I hope that one day I will.

I don’t have many female friends. I have facebook friends and forum friends. But in the real world, there are no female friends in my world. As much as I am out there, I am very shy when it comes to making friends. Take for instance the friends I have on the forum and fb. I often wonder why these amazingly fit and healthy women would want to be friends with me.

I’m just a fat chick, who eats shit food more than she should and trains hard at the gym in hope of being thin again and one day standing on stage. You know, here and on the forum is the only place that I admit that. I don’t think my husband has any idea of how much it means to me to get out there on the stage.

He looks so good for his age. He worked hard to get there and he works hard to stay there. So why don’t I tell him? Because I’m embarrassed to tell him. I’m this fat chick who has such a long way to go and I don’t want it to seem like I am putting the horse before the cart. But I just feel like I need a goal to work towards. And getting on stage is the goal.

While we are on the topic of being honest, there are boxes in our house that I haven’t unpacked yet. I have been home for four months. Yet there are boxes that are still full of stuff that I need and there are photo frames that I am yet to put up on the wall. Why? Because I feel as though if I put them up then I will only have to take them down.

If I leave them packed, then when the axe falls on my relationship, then I won’t need to pack them again will I? When I go back and read that statement it screams to me that I don’t have faith in my husband. But I do. I guess I am just so used to the bad stuff happening that it is easier to believe it.

Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the way I think is due to the bipolar disorder. And I know that some of it is. I also know that a lot of it is due to the kind of childhood I had and the treatment I have received at the hands of my mother and father.

I take medication for my bipolar and I don’t often tell people, because again I think wow would people want to be friends with the crazy bipolar lady. I take a lot of pain killers from my knee injury and for the injuries I sustained in the most recent car accident. Again, I often wonder why would people want to be friends with the pain killer lady.

As I said before I hate myself. I think it’s myself I hate. Or maybe it’s the image I have of myself. I don’t fit in with the mothers club at the local school because I don’t like gossip and I am not the ladies who lunch type. I prefer to surround myself with people who love to train and who will constantly challenge me and never let me rest on my oversized ass.

I hate the fact that I am fat. That I’ve always struggled with my weight and I have been judged on being the fat chick by people in my past. I don't want to be fat anymore.

And now I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself.

I don’t want to remain the fat chick. I want to lose my weight and get back to a healthy size. I am afraid to ask my husband for more help. Because he gets so frustrated when I go along really well and then I stuff it all up by binge eating and he doesn’t understand why. He thinks that it’s just a case of not being strong enough and He thinks everyone has the willpower he has. Please, don’t think I am complaining about him because I’m not. He is the only person in my life who has been around through all the horrible times and loved me regardless.

Makes me wonder how much of this I am bringing on myself. If I can’t ask him for help, who can I ask. I thought about doing things the sneaky way and getting some outside help. But I wonder where to start and I wonder who in god’s name I would ask. I went to a gym in Dandenong the other week for a meeting with someone and I felt so uncomfortable in there because I was the only fat chick in the place. That is what stops me a lot of the time, wondering if people are laughing at my efforts (and I know it shouldn’t matter but to me it does). I have to stop wanting to gain everybody’s approval. But it’s something I have done all my life.
And I don’t know how to stop it.

Ugh. Now I sound like I am complaining.

Maybe I am but this is the most honest I have ever been. With myself and everybody else.

And I can assure you that right after I have posted this, I will be sitting here wondering if the people who read it will think I am nutty and I will be wondering will they still want to be my friend.

The question is why does all of this matter.

The answer is something I haven’t found yet.

But, all this being said, is taking a step towards honesty. Because it’s the most honest I have been in a long time.

And I feel better for it in a way.

But I can’t explain how.
xox
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 4:32 PM :: 8 Comments:

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