I was listening to this song tonight, on the way home from the gym and it made me start to think about parents. Or the lack thereof in my case. It’s no secret that I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. In fact, it’s beyond the point of repair I think. I’ve thought about trying to repair it but after a conversation I had with my sister on Christmas day, I am starting to wonder if it is worth even trying or will I just walk away even more hurt than before or will I get the closure that I want.
I don’t know if I want to fix things because I want them in my life or if I am doing it for the kids. Sometimes I think it is just for the kids. But other times I think it is for me. I don’t think I want us to be a wonderful kind of Walton’s family. The thought of that is just beyond the realms of impossibility. I think, that I want them to see me in a different way to the way that they do. I want them to look at me and my family and see that I am not the same person I used to be. Is it that I want their approval? Perhaps. Do I want them to admit that they were wrong about me? Yes. Do I want them to tell me that they were wrong? Yes. Will it make a difference? I don’t think so. And that is what saddens me.
It is a whole mixed up mess that I believe is impossible to sort out. They believe that they are right. I know they are wrong. There is not one person in my family, myself included, that can say they did nothing wrong. Each and every one of us made mistakes. Each and every one of us did something wrong and each and every one said things that we shouldn’t of. The sad part is, not all of us are able to admit we that. I can admit it, my sister can admit it, my brother can admit it. But my parents, can’t and won’t admit it. In their eyes, they are right and *WE* are wrong. And to top it all off, in the middle of everything, right while I am writing this post, my father calls. He doesn’t want to talk to me, just the kids. But they call my phone. Can we say rude much?
These are MY children. Children I have raised ALONE after fighting my own parents to get them back. These are MY children. Children I have had to lie to so that they didn’t think my parents were bad people for not being in my life. And I am so damn sick of it. I’m sick to the back teeth of pretending that this bullshit kind of behaviour is okay. I am sick of pretending that we were a happy little family. Because we weren’t. And I am sick to fucking death of telling everyone that *I* was the reason my children had no grandparents.
Let’s put it out there shall we.
I was a victim of sexual abuse. At the hands of my FATHER. The one person in the world I should have been able to trust. But that I couldn’t. But according to my parents, I lied. If it wasn’t enough that my father put me through that kind of trauma, so did his evil fucking brother. And they knew about that. His brother, over the years, had molested his OWN children. So with that knowledge in mind, why did they leave me alone with him? It’s beyond me. So, if anyone knows WHY I should want to forgive these people, please let me know. Because I can’t get my head around it. Not at all. Especially not after the phone call I just received.
Why am I not mad at him for putting me through that shit? Why am I not mad at him for letting his brother do those things to me? Why does it matter to me what they think about me, when it hasn’t all those years before? It is because I am a grandmother now? Is it because I could never imagine turning my back on my own children? Is it because I am fucking insane?
It’s beyond me. Really beyond me.
And now, I am thinking that I don’t really care. That it doesn’t really matter.
Not now. Not after hearing the man who is supposed to be my father talk to me like I was a complete and utter stranger.
They don’t want me. They don’t need me.
And I don’t need them.
I don’t need their forgiveness.
I don’t need their approval.
I don’t need them to acknowledge all the steps I’ve taken to become the person I am now.
If I choose to accept it, is to turn my body from flab to fab, to keep it that way and to transform my life...to make my husband and my family proud of me....to be proud of myself and last but not least...to strut my stuff on the stage
About Me
Name::Lisa Jane From::Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
