I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight. Well, I don’t know about an epiphany but I did a come to a realisation about some things and I am just about ready to close a chapter in my life that has long been causing me pain.
I had a best friend many years ago. His name was Warren and today, is the anniversary of his death. He took his life due to the fact that things weren’t the best with his family and his relationship. He and I had many talks over the years before his death and he constantly told me that I should just give up on the fact that my parents would change. Because they wouldn’t and he was right, they haven’t and they won’t and today I have finally come to the realisation that it really doesn’t matter.
I’ve been carrying around so much shame and guilt. Guilt! Over the torment he put me through. I thought, for the longest time, that it was MY fault. I kept thinking that maybe if I was better, maybe if I tried harder. All of that stuff. And I have finally accepted that it wasn’t.
It never was and it never will be.
It was HIS fault.
Wasn’t he supposed to love me? To protect me? To keep me safe? All of the above and more. And he failed at all of it. All he succeeded in doing was making me feel cheap and worthless.
I have decided that my father is dead to me. This is the way it has to be and the only chance I have at getting on with a guilt free life. I am so over carrying this shit around with me and after reading some of Lia’s posts over the last few months I’ve come to the realisation that if I want something to be a certain way then I have to make it so.
I found the song below a long time ago and it has always been one of my favourites. I thought of the lovely Lia when I heard it tonight and decided to put it on here for her to hear.
I always wanted it to remind me of my father, but it doesn’t.
Not now.
Not ever.
But if it brings some joy to someone else, then I’m happy.
I am off to bed early tonight because of the big training session with Sgt Evil tomorrow.
If I choose to accept it, is to turn my body from flab to fab, to keep it that way and to transform my life...to make my husband and my family proud of me....to be proud of myself and last but not least...to strut my stuff on the stage
About Me
Name::Lisa Jane From::Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
