Friday, January 23, 2009

Crushed...



“If I want different, I have to be prepared to do different"

Lia lives by this mantra and I am starting to believe it is one that I need to follow. Why?

Because I’m doing the same things now, that I was always doing. And using the same excuses for doing them. And I am so damn sick of it. Excuse after excuse and I write here about changing them and doing things the right way. But still I do the wrong thing.

I binge, when I’m alone. I eat and eat until I feel so sick that I can’t move. Then I feel like utter crap for doing so and beat myself up for days. I don’t confess to Michael that I do. But I am sure he knows. I feel so bad. The minute I stop eating I am filled with this shame and revulsion. An absolute horror that I have done the very thing I know I shouldn’t and that I really don’t want to.
When did I become so weak? When did I become so cowardly? When did I just let myself go and fall in a heap? When did I become so sneaky that I hid chocolate and other shit food around the house? And when did I become so desperate for it that I get up in the middle of the night and shovel it down my throat?

I hate it. I hate me. I hate my pathetic weakness and I hate that I can’t seem to get control over it. And I hate that I can’t sit down and just confess this to Michael. Why? Because I don’t want to appear anymore weak and pathetic that I already know I am. He expects so much of me. By saying that I mean he knows that I have it in me to do it, he just doesn’t understand why I can’t and either do I. I don’t even LIKE the crap I am eating. Yet I still do it.

It’s been suggested to me that the issues from my past have something to do with my eating problems and I know it is right. And until I get my eating and my binging under control then my weight issues are going to remain and it will keep see sawing up and down and it will never be stable.

I have emailed Liz Nelson about my eating and she has emailed me back. With money so tight at the moment any plans I had of working with her to get my eating on track has gone right out the window. I’m disappointed. Much more disappointed than I care to admit. I didn’t mention it to Michael. I don’t know if he would understand it. But it doesn’t matter now as I just can’t afford to make it happen.

So I wonder where I will go with all of this now. I just can’t make this eating work for me. I have tried to concentrate on getting through one meal at a time. But it doesn’t seem to make much difference. I still stuff it up. I have tried the boiled chicken and green veg diet. I have tried the limited calorie stuff and I know that it works but still I hide and I binge. If I can’t get some help to get this under control, I wonder what will happen. Where it will end? How I will ever learn to get it under control?

I am so tired of it. I am tired of working my ass of in the gym and then blowing it all with the binge eating. My training is great. My eating is shit. And my self esteem is shit. It’s in the toilet and nonexistent. I don’t think I deserve my husband, the good life I have, the friends I have.

I don’t think I deserve anything.

At all.

Until I get it under control.

Only problem is I don’t know where to begin or who to turn to.

Lucky me.

Not.
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 8:21 PM :: 8 Comments:

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